[zebralobe]

we were standing on the beach on florida’s pandhandle, watching a hurricane slowly blow our vacation out of the water (quite literally). the storm was the perfect antedote for my broken heart having just found out that a year of sobriety for my husband had ended the previous night. so many questions were racing through my mind, and my cousins were trying to help me work them all out.

the wind’s speed brought the waves up uncharacteristicallly high. the waves brought the surfers uncharacteristically out of the woodwork.  it was fun to be honest. hating my husband and having those boys to look at.  it’s a whole ‘nother breed of fella, and i was in awe.

while standing on the shoreline, my cousins and i had some pretty real heart to heart talks about life, love, and everything in between. nothing catastrophic. nothing cataclysmic. just three girls of different decades (teen, 20’s, 30’s) comparing the scripts of their lives. pretty interesting stuff, to say the least.

my older cousin, and her infinite wisdom, shared with me something that her counselor had taught her while attending some marital therapy not too long ago. when you get in those arguments that are so heated, so unreal, that nothing will pull you out of it, nothing will soften the blows, and everything you say is confusing and erratic, have a safe word on hand to shout that will put you both in surrender; stopping the argument.

their word? “zabralobe”.

it will never mean anything at all.
it will never be used in real conversation.
it will always end an argument.

so as i drift through life trying to figure out which way is up and which way is down, when i get so caught up in my own emotions and daily junk, hopefully i can remember the way the air felt off of the gulf of mexico blowing over the sweaty boys that were covered in muscles and testosterone, and i will forget about the crap i can’t fix right now. right here. and i will just surrender.

life has been odd the past month since i got home from my vacation. i still find myself in days of numbness and confusion and isolation. i want to be alone. i want to be alone. i want to be alone.
but he is there. and i can’t tell what to make of that right now. i can’t tell what to do with that. i have no fixes. i have no remedies.

so i can sit around and festoon in all my thoughts and feelings about the situation, or i can just let it slowly heal itself. slowly let everything work itself out the best way it can.

i have no answers.
i just have zebralobe.

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